Unimportant Things

My name is Ryan Brenner and this is where I attempt to seem hip, funny, and/or insightful.

I like making jokes and writing. I like pop culture and brief sentences.

You can stalk me more effectively by reading my Facebook profile or my Twitter feed.

My Website is pretty cool too.

May 25

The Conversation That Takes Place in the Chorus of "See You Again" By Miley Cyrus

Cute Guy: Hi there.
Miley: [Begins freaking out. Just keeps looking down.]
Cute Guy: What are you thinking about?
Miley: I-I-I f-feel like I c-can't b-br-breathe...
Cute Guy: What's wrong with you?
Leslie: Oh, she's just being Miley.
Cute Guy: Well, she's a fucking nutcase.
[Exit Cute Guy]
Miley [to no one]: The next time we hang out... I will redeem myself!
Lesie: What do you mean?
Miley: I'm going to blow him.

May 24

You gotta be in it to win it.

May 23

dangurewitch:

adamconover:

Dan, Kelly, and Arthur handed out these unbelievably hilarious fake restaurant menus at the Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn this weekend, and people are freaking out about them. Click through to see the whole thing. It’s a big batch of truly inspired gut-busting nonsense.

It was only a matter of time until someone scanned this fantastically absurdist food hallucination. I wish I could read them all again for the first time.

This is honestly the most laugh-out-loud funny thing I’ve seen in a long time.

May 22

Knowing absolutely nothing about the character Alex Cross and the upcoming film about him, when I read that he’d be portrayed by Tyler Perry I immediately assumed that this was Wikipedia vandalism.

May 10

The Seven Stages of “Call Me Maybe”

Stage 1: Denial
“This song isn’t good, dude. You seriously like this song?”

Stage 2: Anger
“You’re putting it on again?! Just turn it off, man. I can’t keep listening to this!”

Stage 3: Compromise
“Now I’ve got that stupid song stuck in my head. Might as well download it.”

Stage 4: Depression
“Oh my God, I’ve listened to it forty-three times today…”

Stage 5 Happiness
“HEY, I JUST MET YOU! AND THIS IS CRAY-ZEEE!”

Stage 6: Bargaining
“I’m just going to listen to one more remix, and them I’m going to bed.”

Stage 7: Acceptance
“What do you mean you’ve never heard Call Me Maybe?! It’s like the best song ever!”

Stage ?: (Unknown if this actually exists)
“Meh, it’s kind of overplayed.”

Mar 10

The Exhaustive Guide to Fixing Africa In Just a Few Clicks

NOTE: If you are not one of the more than 80 million people who has already seen the Kony 2012 video that has been making its way around Facebook, then you must either watch it right now (Literally right now, at this second. Yes, it’s 30 minutes long, but if you honestly believe that you’re so impossibly busy that you cannot spare any given 30 minutes during your day to watch an Internet video if it means saving thousands of innocent CHILDREN from sexual slavery [and worse, if you even thought that was possible!] then your lack of empathy is so severe that I question whether you still qualify as a member of the human species) or defriend me immediately for I will simply not permit myself to be socially connected with someone as stunningly ignorant as yourself.

Feb 16

I made so that you don’t have to go through the trouble of making a new one for whatever dumb thing it is you do.

Dec 17

Intro to Haters

Hey guys, it’s me again with another helpful guide on how to stop making a fool of yourself on Facebook. Today’s lesson: Haters.

Let’s begin at the beginning. What exactly are haters?

Haters are your motivators because they make you famous. (Did you know that you’re famous?) They are often Haitian, and no matter what you do, they gonna hate. They are totally fake cowards who only talk about you behind your back and so you don’t need (and almost certainly don’t have) any evidence that they actually exist in order to blame them for a myriad of possible problems you’re having. They’re out there and they’re just seething at the notion of your happiness.

Dec 14

Lehigh Prunes Alcoholic Student Population by Only Offering Antibiotics on Day After Le-Laf

Just something I wrote a little while back:

In an attempt to decrease the amount of alcoholic students at Lehigh, officials from the Health and Wellness Center have chosen the day after the Lehigh-Lafayette game as the date on which they will distribute preventative medicine, in hopes that those students who are hungover will not bother to get them.

Dec 13

He Read My Pokerface…

Venting time. This is what blogs are for, no?

Two nights ago I’m playing $1/$2 NL - that’s Texas Hold’em poker, for the uninitiated among you. There are only 2 guys at the table that I believe to be good. They both have pretty big stacks (~$700) and they both act before me. I play my game, catch some cards, and start doing fairly well. I’m a tight player, and one of the good players takes notice. “You can’t bluff, kid,” he says to me. “I just don’t think you can do it. You’re the tightest player at this table.” He’s basically right, and I don’t really care. I don’t plan on playing against him when there are plenty of other fish at the table.

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