#5: Comfort With Solitude
Gee whiz. Right off the bat, this one’s a biggie! As anyone who’s ever known the crippling, soul-crushing anxiety that sets in when you’re left alone with nothing but your thoughts can tell you, getting over this can be TOUGH! And now, in this age when it’s so easy to be in constant, empty communication with others, I’m beginning to believe I might never wind up feeling comfortable being alone. It’s like, your parents raise you for eighteen years and then one day you’re just magically supposed to be “okay” with going unaccompanied to the bathroom? Get real!!
Ummm, YEAH RIGHT! Freedom from external authorities and other people? Sorry, but last time I checked, my mom was still “other people,” so you can go ahead and count me out. I mean, I pretty much need her just to eat! While, yes, I’m fairly confident I could struggle my way through the motions of making myself waffles each morning, I can’t see it ever happening in practice. And as for reliance on external authorities? Well, considering that I averaged about two-and-a-half 911 calls per month this year, I don’t think I qualify on that count either. Independence and resourcefulness have their benefits, I’m sure, but I honestly don’t see how they could hold a candle to the comfort of knowing that, if I fall down, there’s always going to be someone close at hand to pick me back up.
#3: Efficient Perception of Reality/Acceptance of Facts
It kinda pains me to say it, but I really don’t think I’ll be reaching this milestone any time soon. For example: while on some level I “know” that, hmm, let’s say, I’m going to die one day (lol!), can’t you see why it’s so much easier to get by if I just pretend I’m not? Denial is an essential part of enabling my day-to-day existence. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to come to terms with the reality of my meaningless existence? Or to admit that, no, I’ll probably never be the handsome, ambidextrous space-fireman I imagined I would be when I was in second grade? No thanks! Ignorance is bliss, as they say, and if you try to tell me otherwise, well, I’ll just cover my ears and hum loudly until you get frustrated and walk away. Check and mate!
#2: Personal and Financial Security
Oh, I’m sorry! Did you assume that because I’ve only been listing characteristics of self-actualizers up until this point that, surely, I must have at least achieved the level of “Esteem” on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Didn’t mean to mislead you, friend, but I’m afraid that’s quite simply not the case! Sure, self-actualization may be the hardest of the levels to reach, but come on! If you haven’t picked up on the fact that you’re dealing with someone who’s lucky to get through a day having fulfilled even his basest physiological needs, by this point…? Then I don’t know what to tell you! Financial security? Don’t make me laugh. I’m counting every day that I don’t experience physical harm as a win, thank you very much.
#1: Non-Hostile Sense of Humor
You think there’s something funny about this list? Fuck off. I’m perfect. Everything’s great. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-