Unimportant Things

So I guess this is what sincere appreciation feels like.

Thu, 02 May 2013 19:26:28 -0400

So I guess this is what sincere appreciation feels like.

Video

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:30:00 -0400

Guide On How to be Cool

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:19:00 -0400

A lot of people write me asking for tips on how to be cool. Well, I don’t think being cool is really something that can be learned, but I figured I’d give it a shot. Here are some quick and easy ways to be cooler:

Dress Cool

This one is really easy. Just look up cool ways to dress and start dressing like that. You have to look cool if you want to be cool. Actually, that brings me to my next tip which is…

Look Cool

Beyond just dressing cool you should also try to look cool, and by that I mean with your face and your body. Have cool posture and cool body language so people who see you will be able to tell you’re cool even at a glance. A good way to look cool is to have cool facial expressions, especially with your eyes, mouth, and eyebrows. I suggest practicing a bunch of cool “looks” in the mirror.

Act Cool

Even if you look cool, if you don’t act cool then you definitely aren’t cool. Acting cool pretty much consists of doing cool stuff, saying cool things in a cool way, etc… and shouldn’t take too long to pick up if you’re serious about being cool. Check out some videos of cool people online as a reference if you’re having trouble thinking of ways to act cool.

Hang Out With Cool People

A really easy way to be cool is to be seen with other people who are cool. If you are having trouble identifying people who are cool so that you can be their friend, just keep an eye open for those who have the qualities mentioned on this list. For example, if you see somebody hanging out with cool people, they are probably cool and so you should try to hang out with them and the people they are hanging out with.

Don’t Fake It

The thing about being cool is, if you fake it then you actually wind up coming across as less cool than someone who is just generally uncool. This is because pretending to be cool isn’t at all cool. For this reason, it’s important that you don’t try too hard to be cool. You have to actually be cool, and being cool is something that should come naturally.

Smoke Cigarettes

Self-explanatory.

My Earnest Plea to Lehigh University Parking Services

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 09:21:00 -0400

[Context: This is the unedited appeal I submitted to parking services re: the $50 parking ticket I received today for parking at a Brown meter before 4:00pm. The ticket was issued at 3:07pm.]

Some have proposed that the definition of insanity is “attempting the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.” If this definition holds any weight, then I am pleading innocence of this offense on the grounds of insanity.

I got a parking ticket for the exact same violation - parking at a Brown meter before 4:00pm - just last week, and it cost me $25. I am not disputing that fine. However, seeing as today was the final day of classes, I, for whatever reason, found it prudent to press my luck and roll the illegal-parking dice again. As I would soon find out, this was extremely ill-advised.

I will be graduating from Lehigh in less than one month and over the course of my enrollment here I have been levied many parking fines. Not once have I plead for mercy. This time is different. As someone poised to enter into the harsh reality of the American job market, I simply cannot afford $75 in net fines at this point in my life.

I take full responsibility for my misdoings and you have my word that I will never - NEVER! - park at a Brown meter before 4:00pm for the rest of my term on this Earth. In exchange for this solemn pledge, I humbly beseech you to spare me today’s $50 fine. After all that I’ve given Lehigh over the years (my heart, my soul, hundreds of thousands of dollars…), I feel I am more than deserving of just this one request.

And so I ask, as sincerely as is possible: Please. PLEASE. Please waive this parking violation. If there is indeed another human soul at the other end of this web form, I ask you personally: grant me this one wish.

We have all made mistakes; it is in our nature to do so. I can only hope that you don’t see it necessary to punish me, to condemn me to a life of poverty worse than that which I’m already heading toward, for making one as small as this.

Thank you,
Ryan Brenner

"k so heres my idea for a business tell me if it’s good 1) buy mad chalkboards (or even pieces..."

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 00:20:37 -0400

“

k so heres my idea for a business tell me if it’s good

1) buy mad chalkboards (or even pieces of wood; better yet dont buy them just FIND them!)
2) buy this compound
3) PAINT THE CHALKBORDS with it
4) sell as whiteboards

do you think this would be legal? lol prob not since obama

”

- Gizmodo’s resident idiot, ryanbrenner

MAD CHALKBOARDS
PROB NOT LEGAL SINCE OBAMA
JUST FIND SOME CHALKBOARDS
PAINT THE CHALKBORDS (via demiadejuyigbe)

How to Participate in Music Creation

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 18:09:55 -0500

It’s easy! Just play some instruments and make music!

»But I can’t play any instruments!

Then get on a computer and make some electronic music!

»But I don’t know music theory!

Then just make mash-ups instead!

»But I don’t understand the software!

Then download a bunch of 320kbps mp3’s and become a DJ!

»But I don’t know how to mix!

Then just play the songs for your friends at parties!

»But I don’t have any friends!

Then blog about new music than you find on SoundCloud!

»But I can’t find any new music!

Then blog about ways people can participate in music creation!

Dear Young Conservative

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:19:24 -0500

dcpierson:

Dear young conservative,

I hope you are reading this. My ideal reader for this piece is an actual person under thirty years old who self-identifies as conservative. I would like it very much if this letter found readers beyond my typical (and beloved) echo chamber of liberal comedians and comedy fans. If you’re reading this and you’re not a young conservative, I’ll bet you’re friends with one on Facebook and I would love it if you could pass this along to them.

First off: I in no way mean for this to be patronizing. I’m not mocking you, young conservative. I know what it is to be a young conservative. I was one.

When I was in high school, in the early part of the first George W. Bush presidency, it seemed kind of cool and punk to me to identify as conservative. I didn’t agree with their social policies, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, what if all my liberal high-school-kid friends were wrong? It was a ton of fun to think of myself as the sole voice of reason among a bunch of wrong-headed young people who hadn’t read the same blogs I had, and hadn’t been introduced to Ayn Rand by their girlfriend last summer the way I had.

Looking back on all that, on the times I argued with my History teacher in support of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, among other things, I am deeply ashamed. And this shame comes not from the fact that I now have different political beliefs, different political beliefs shared, in some form, by almost all of my colleagues and friends. I almost always relish having a minority opinion. It’s a stubborn, age-resistant part of my personality. I am still the guy who loves hating the thing everyone else likes, or liking the thing everyone else hates. I didn’t like the movie DRIVE very much. I know. Come at me. So I’d be the first person to want to have a political belief counter to the ones treasured by all my friends. I argue most frequently with people I’m actually in total agreement with. I’m just that asshole. So it’s not that I felt the need to join the herd and now that I have, I’m ashamed to have ever felt differently than I do now.

I am ashamed because I accepted into my heart and head a system of thought I now believe to be, to borrow a term from my old friend Ayn Rand, anti-life: that government should only exist to make it easy for businesses to do business, the idea that it is our civic duty to have no civic duty. I no longer believe that the way to make things better for everyone is to let people with money do whatever they want, whenever they want. I feel I’ve earned the crap out of this belief, given that I used to believe precisely the opposite, and I’ve taken a long journey to the side I stand on now.

And I urge you, before you dismiss me as a long-haired Hollywood goofball liberal, to read on, and to listen to me in every bit the earnest that I am writing to you. Please don’t pull the dismissive ripcord in your mind, the one labeled “You’re just saying that because you’re biased, etc…” that all of us use every day to reject the idea that someone who disagrees with us may have a point. This ripcord is cynicism, plain and simple, and it mars political discourse and if we continue to pull it every time someone starts to say something that doesn’t jibe with what we already think, life on this planet will soon be quite literally impossible.

So:

Read More

This is one of the few pieces of media that I have ever felt has had a legitimate shot at changing someone’s mind.

Me Having a Conversation With the Song "Fireflies" by Owl City

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:22:00 -0400

Song: You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep.

Me: You're absolutely right, that would be ridiculous. Actually, it would probably be the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever seen or ever will see.

Song: 'Cause they'd fill the open air and leave teardrops everywhere. You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare.

Me: Okay, for starters, no, I wouldn't think you rude in the slightest. I've already confessed that the sight of these fireflies would likely be one of the most incredible things imaginable, and now you're acting as if I'd somehow take offense if you took the time to take them in, instead of doing what you were already doing, which was sleeping? What kind of shitty person would I have to be to find that impolite?

Song: I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.

Me: What? Why? What the hell does that have to do with the fireflies? Or anything, for that matter?

Song: It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems.

Me: You alright, dude? Suddenly you sound borderline suicidal.

Song: 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs as they tried to teach me how to dance.

Me: That's quite possibly the single gayest sentence I've ever heard, but it certainly doesn't seem like a reasonable cause for suicidal ideation. Also, how and why did you decide that only one in ten fireflies would opt to hug you?

Song: A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed, a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

Me: Now you've lost me.

Song: I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'cause everything is never as it seems when I fall asleep.

Me: Back to this again? Listen, I looked it up: the world is turning at around 1,040 miles per hour at the equator. Hardly a slow speed. And why would you even want it to turn any slower? I imagine the consequences of Earth's rotation slowing by even a fraction would be catastrophic for the ecosystem and all life on the planet. Maybe you'd rather just believe misinformation? Sorry, but I really don't get it.

Song: Leave my door open just a crack. (Please take me away from here.) 'Cause I feel like such an insomniac. (Please take me away from here.)

Me: Jesus Christ, did you just ask me to take you away? Are you in trouble? Stop screwing around with this fireflies bullshit - if you need help, please, just say so.

Song: Why do I tire of counting sheep (Please take me away from here.) when I'm far too tired to fall asleep?

Me: Okay, I heard that. I'm calling the police.

Song: To ten million fireflies, I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell...

Me: Hello? 911? I've got a guy here and based on the way he's talking it seems as if he may be having a stroke. Yes. No, he just now started asking me to "take him away." I think he's suicidal. Please hurry.

Song: But I'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizarre. 'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.

Me: It seems as if his hallucinations are getting more serious. I'm gonna get you help, buddy, don't worry. Just keep talking about the fireflies, the ambulance is on the way. The fireflies are probably gonna die in that jar if you don't poke some holes in it, though.

Song: Why are you still talking to me? I'm over three years old. Maybe you're the one who needs help.

Me: Those aren't the lyrics. Shut up.

Rough.

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 15:25:16 -0400

Rough.

Video

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 02:24:47 -0400

In Memory of AOL 7.0 or: Using the Internet Used to Take Balls

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 19:23:00 -0400

I feel bad for everyone born after 1995. Sure, they’ll more than likely outlive me - assuming, of course, that we don’t reach The Singularity by 2045 as is anticipated - and maybe they’ll get to see some pretty cool things that I won’t. But there’s one thing they were never able to experience that makes me pity them: the early days of the Internet.*

Anyone born after 1995, and maybe even a bit earlier than that, never got to experience the Beta version of the Internet. By the time they were old enough to meaningfully interface with a computer, broadband was beginning to take foot. By then, the Internet was something your parents were probably familiar with. I’d be remiss even now to say that the Internet has been tamed, but by then it was no longer the wilderness it once was. The Internet of my youth was the Louisiana Purchase, the last frontier, an infinite expanse of endless possibilities. By the time people had switched over to dedicated web browsers (Internet Explorer, Mozilla, NetScape) and the walled gardens had crumbled, the mystery had been lost.

And I won’t be coy about it. There is one particular walled garden that I have in mind: America Online. I love America Online. To give those of you who are unfamiliar with the software an idea of what it means for me to be saying this, Google returns about 44,400 results for the string “I love America Online,” and most of them seem to be either 1) meant sarcastically, or, more commonly, 2) instances where the word “online” coincidentally followed the word “America.” To put that number in perspective, the string “I love terrorism” returns about 39,400 results. Scientifically speaking, almost as many people are willing to admit they love terrorism as are willing to admit they love AOL.

But I say it without any hint of irony. I truly loved AOL and the experiences it provided me with. It was the software that shaped me as a netizen.

Those unfortunate enough to be born a few years too late have never hung out in the Town Hall chatrooms, the content of which alone more than justified the hourly fee. The only place they’ve ever heard Elwood Edwards’ beautiful voice is in the rom-com “You’ve Got Mail.” They never gazed upon a CD reading “100 Free Hours!” and saw anything more than another piece of trash. (I am so enamored with these relics that I have a table in my home built entirely from AOL free trial discs.) They searched to find the things they wanted; I simply selected an option from the Channels page.

They probably couldn’t perform an a cappella version of this. They probably never saw this commercial.

It’s not just my memories of AOL that I treasure, though. It’s the early-Internet in general. Being an AOL user made venturing out into the dark corners of the web that much more satisfying because you felt as if you were dealing with uncharted territory.

I miss agonizing in front of my monitor waiting for PG-13 images to finish downloading. For Gen Z’ers, it was nearly instantaneous. The waiting built character, and left me time to refresh my Geocities page, if only to increment the view counter.

They never installed Bonzi Buddy, or WeatherBug. They probably didn’t sign on to the Internet on January 1st, 2000, proud that they’d survived the Y2K catastrophe. And at the risk of this turning into a general rant about 90’s nostalgia, they didn’t have to struggle and search to find working GameShark codes for Pokemon Red and Blue. (0101E9CF for enemies always asleep.)

There was no anti-virus, no spam filter, and no protection from phishing. It was truly the Wild West. I learned very early on that I was not actually the millionth visitor, and no, I hadn’t won a prize. I knew what Viagra was before Penicillin. I’ll never be 100% trusting of Nigerians.

If you were not protective of your RuneScape or NeoPets passwords, there were those out there who were eager to take them from you. I still vividly remember the con which parted me from my treasured set of full Mithril armor, mostly because I went on to use it against countless others. I also remember the first crime I ever committed: illegally downloading “I Like Big Butts” by Sir Mix-a-Lot at 10kbps through Napster. I felt like an outlaw.

Growing up in the early days of the Internet made me the man I am today. It introduced me to the global community; to the good along with the bad. It hardened me in a way that no other experience available to an upper-class, white preteen could have.

Using the Internet used to take balls.

*Yes, I know what you old timers are thinking. You were chatting on Usenet before I was born. I get it. I’m jealous. Why is someone as old as yourself even reading this?

-Ryan Brenner is a junior living in Dunster and studying dance.

15 Minutes of Solid Entrepreneurship

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 10:04:00 -0400

Me: u there?
Paul: ya
Me: need to come up with an idea for a new product
Me: what u think of this?
Me: it's a watch, think made by apple
Me: bluetooths to your phone
Me: not a touchscreen or anything... it's just like a dot matrix display almost, maybe a color screen maybe not, but really just a line
Me: it only has like 1 or 2 buttons
Me: it always shows the time and u can toggle thru modes where it would scroll whatever data from ur phone
Me: u get a txt, it shows up
Me: no games, no apps, no bullshit like that
Me: it primarily just shows text
Me: who's calling, what song is playing, maybe twitter feed
Me: and the time
Paul: interesting
Paul: very
Me: it's primarily a fashion thing, more cool than useful
Me: $500 is totally reasonable for a fashionable watch
Me: maybe even more
Me: good, don't u think?
Paul: yes

For the next 15 minutes we talked about this new product and cool ways it could be used. If it was equipped with NFC, hand-to-hand-contact could be the next Bump and Google Wallet would become even easier. If Siri were more sophisticated you could simply query Siri from the watch and she could speak a plaintext answer in response and it would be just like something out of James Bond. We discussed whether it would be a better fit for Apple or Google. Paul began looking for parts from which he could build the first prototype. It was a really good idea and I knew it.

I didn't know it was ten-million-dollars good, though. It turns out I had independently come up with the Pebble, the most funded Kickstart project of all time with over $10 million in backing. The similarities between it and the product I'd envisioned were so alarmingly great that you'd have to assume I'd stolen the idea. Barring any subconscious knowledge about the Pebble that I'm unaware I had, though, I'd never heard about this product for the five or so months since it's been public.

I was THIS CLOSE to a ten million dollar idea. Last night I actually lost sleep over the notion that I probably won't have another idea as good for some time, if ever.

Damn.

Patrick Cassels 100% For Actual!: Things I'm Probably Better at Than Ryan Lochte

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 17:21:21 -0400

Patrick Cassels 100% For Actual!: Things I'm Probably Better at Than Ryan Lochte:

patrickcassels:

Everyone’s talking about this Ryan Lochte guy. Full disclosure: I have zero idea who this clown is, but he doesn’t sound so great to me. Why, here are some random activities I can probably school him in lol! ;-)

Making the perfect grilled cheese sandwich

Most card games

NBA Jam for Sega…

I lol’d.

Awesome.

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 20:53:06 -0400

Awesome.

"I wonder what it’s like to die. I wonder how I’m going to die. I wonder why, knowing that we’re..."

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 00:49:17 -0400

“I wonder what it’s like to die. I wonder how I’m going to die. I wonder why, knowing that we’re going to die, we’re not all freaking out more than we are. I guess because we’re not all going to die at the same time. I read once that women, after giving birth, have a special chemical released in their brain that makes them forget how painful it was so that they have more children. Maybe we have a chemical that makes us just afraid of death enough to go to work but not afraid of death enough to not go to work.”

- Dan Harmon (via havingchanged)

So viral, it’s sick. But in a good way.

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 23:26:17 -0400

So viral, it’s sick. But in a good way.

An Open Letter to The Guy Who Runs Karaoke at The Irish Cottage

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 01:50:00 -0400

Hi.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’d like to volunteer that at the time of my writing this, I’m a bit drunk. That should come as little to no surprise to you, though, taking into account when last we spoke. I wasn’t as drunk then as I am now, but I’m sure this too will not come as a surprise. I’m hard pressed to believe that I’m the first person you’ve driven to drinking his or her sorrows away on a Thursday night.

I’ve been coming to karaoke semi-frequently for the past two months. You know me and I know you. I was even beginning to think we were becoming friends; I never asked anything of you without a smile or an approving nod. Sure, sometimes I may have slurred my song requests, but I feel that I’ve more than made up for those times on the numerous occassions I’ve had to show you how to operate your own (uncomplicated) software. For someone who presumably spends so much time typing in song titles, you’re surprisingly clumsy at it. And did I ever say anything until now? No!

So why is it, then, that tonight, like so many nights in recent memory, I’ve left the Irish Cottage $30 poorer and - what’s infinitely worse - unquantifiably poorer in spirit? I find myself unable to reflect on my night’s performance of “I Like It” by Enrique Inglesias because it simply never took place. In fact, I struggle to remember the last time you’ve permitted me to sing karaoke, and rest assured, this inability is in no way related to my alcohol consumption. Why do I so routinely find myself signing up to sing a great hip-hop or alternative rock tune from the late 90’s/early 2000’s only to find that I am never called to the microphone?

Is it because, [NAME REDACTED], of my song selection? Do you dislike the fact that I frequently elect to sing things that are decidedly more, I don’t know… urban than you’re comfortable with? Maybe you’ve deemed the oft-controversial lyrical content of my selections to be “too mature” for an audience of inebriated adults? Or is it just the fact that I refuse to self censor myself, and instead choose to sing the words not as they appear on the screen, but as the artist (oftentimes myself) intended for them to be heard? Maybe you just don’t want anyone singing in Spanish?

I wish I could dismiss your aversion to me as something so trivial, so surface-level, but I’m afraid this is more than likely not the case because, as every frequent patron knows, you’re seemingly infatuated with the bandana’d virtuoso who, without fail, takes the mic numerous times each night to sing the same, tired repertoire of songs, several of which involve frequent instances of improvised, profanity-laden ad-libs.

Tell me, from one aspiring vocalist to another (I know you’re just as fond of singing as I am - you’ve bumped me from the queue to bask in the limelight on several occassions), what is it about my performances that you’d simply prefer not to see? How is it that I could improve as a bar karaoke singer? I have to believe that your issue with me is a personal one, because from where I’m standing (and it’s rarely behind the microphone) I feel as if I am just as talented, if not moreso, than the average karaokeist. I don’t mean to boast, but I believe I’m being objective when I say that my songs are often the ones best received by the crowd. Isn’t it your job to please them? Isn’t it your job to please me?

I’ve neutered my song choice to the point where I’ve actually considered attempting “Don’t Stop Believin’.” I’ve registered for duets with actual girls. I’ve even had other people sign up FOR me, with the intent of moving in and taking the microphone from them when you least expect it. But I cannot fool you, can I? Each time I’m snubbed and snubbed again, perpetually bumped toward the bottom of the barrel like so much garbage.

Well, you’ve beaten me. I’ve drunk myself into a karaoke-rejection-fueled stupor for the final time.

I intend to open my own, competing karaoke night. No one is allowed to sing “Hey Ya” or “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” But most importantly, everyone will be welcome and everyone will be equal. Even you, [NAME REDACTED].

Get in touch with me if you’re interested in making this dream a reality. Together we can end karaoke-discrimination.

Words to The Cruel from The Dude Who’s Cool,

Ryan G. Brenner

Sam Reich: "Breaking Bad" prediction

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:12:51 -0400

Sam Reich: "Breaking Bad" prediction:

samreich:

Before the end of the series, Walt is going to kill Skyler.

This will represent his complete transformation from good guy into bad guy. He got into the drug business to protect his family, and he will end up killing his family.

At the beginning of season one, Skyler arranges Walt’s turkey bacon…

My prediction is (and has been) that Walt will rape Skyler, and that’s what leads to his new life on the road. I can’t believe the idea of him killing her hadn’t occurred to me.

This raises an interesting question: which is considered more evil? Rape or murder?

Patrick Cassels 100% For Actual!: Dude-Only Movie Night!!

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 21:17:28 -0400

Patrick Cassels 100% For Actual!: Dude-Only Movie Night!!:

patrickcassels:

Leave your bitching in the pussy cabinet, boys, because tonight it’s a Dude’s Night Out, and we’re heading to the movies. Yes, the movies. Don’t worry I ain’t talking about some limp-dick chick flick like Titanic. That’s why we’re leaving the ladies at home. I’m talking about two words: MAGIC…

All in the game, yo.

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 15:55:06 -0400

All in the game, yo.